I may be the biggest boycotter ever...

Dear blog,

Recently, I have come up with three separate things that it feels like, that you could say I've been "boycotting."

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The first one on my list was a band.

You know, how much I love The Score. I wrote about them, and I am 99% sure that is still, to date, the longest blogpost I have ever written. Which, if you think about it, makes sense, since, if I am writing about so many songs and lyrics, it is going to be long! But still, I do think my love for the band, for what they do, and their lyrics, is obviously what made it my longest post ever.

So you might be wondering, if this is my favorite band, a band I love so much, that I wrote about for so long, so passionately, how could it be that I could be "boycotting" it?

Well, when I say boycotting, I don't mean that my love has gone away.

Honestly, I think it is only because I am hurting and healing (Ha, that just reminded me of "Hurts When It's Healing" by The Banners). Queuing that song next from what I'm listening to right now. By the way, I've been listening to my "montana" playlist more. I wanted to save it and listen to it more when I'm actually there, but the thing is, it's just been feeling relevant. Especially now because I signed up for orientation and sent my transcripts and should be getting my financial offer. Plus, they sent me something today about being an actual student now and now I get a university email. Wow, I can't believe this is actually happening. Feels like a nightmare come true. Anyway...

Since it's not winter anymore, and at least I don't really want to be in that mindset anymore, and I certainly don't want it to be cold and notice that or think about that, my winter playlists don't make any sense to listen to. But it's not quite summer yet. And I do want it to feel like summer, though. So I have been listening to my summer playlist. But it's not very long.

But I actually think it's worth it talking about this song right now. I was just going to mention it, but I actually think it's relevant here, since we're talking about music, and since it relates to when I'm going to talk about The Score.

The song is about something relevant to what I have been talking about a lot. It has to get better. It can't get worse if you're at rock bottom. That's hopeful, right?

And something my mom always said, is that if it doesn't feel hard, like you're climbing up a mountain ("This Mountain" by Faouzia lol, I literally always play that when I'm climbing this big hill at university in Madison called Bascom Hill, notoriously iconic or maybe hated, when you have to climb that thing on the way to classes) then you're not doing it right, and you're actually doing something wrong. Ah, the memories. Climbing that when you're in a rush and late to class. Shins will hurt.

But why yes, I guess things are supposed to be hard.

If it hurts, doesn't that mean it's healing? Which is exactly on the topic of things I've been talking about, it make sense. It's literally the title of this song. And it's so correct. It's hopeful, I think. If you view it that way.

Also, just want to take a moment to appreciate this absolute fire selection I've been writing! I feel like I've been so inspired and motivated to write. Remember when I was feeling unmotivated? Here's some hope! Glad to say, that passed. More than passed. I just write and constantly get new ideas, that I add to my list. Still not wasting a moment! I kind-of love that my life never feels like I have time. That means I'm doing something right, right? Like just spending all this time living my life. Even if it doesn't always feel glorious. I never feel bored, and it never feels like I allow myself to feel this way, or life simply just doesn't allow me to feel this way, 'cause I'm always busy and it's not like I have time. I just know how to entertain myself and what to do with my time, anyway.

But I feel like some of these latest blogpost are some of the deepest, combined, best things I have written. Some of my best ideas, my observations from life. If that doesn't come across, wah wah.

The thing is, The Score, the entire band is about being a fighter. Fighting with hard things in life. It's about resilience. I think why I've been boycotting, is not because I don't agree with the message. I certainly do! That's why I love it so much. I think it's just that it feels like I've been let down, like things didn't work out for me. Here I was resilient, and it still did not work! I think it's an understandable, heartbroken way to feel, knowing me, knowing everything that matters to me. It just hurts. Loving something so much hurts. Loving something hurts, because loving something means it can let you down. Which is exactly why I, and why other people, develop the coping and defense mechanisms that they do.

Thing that you've got to understand, is that I would listen to the band as a way to cope. To deal with the hard things, make it not as worse.

But glad to say, I'm not boycotting it as much anymore! I am listening to them more and more. I am healing. There is still hope, right? It's not over, until it's over, right?

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2nd thing on my list was something that felt very similar, but different at the same time. YouTubers that I used to watch.

I think it's hard to me someone's life. It just feels so different and wrong. And it just makes me think about how shitty my life is. I'm already so out of touch of this people (not like I know them in person, obviously) but you know, the internet is a new thing. You develop a relationship. You have memories, and you make connections, inevitably, between where they are in life, and where you are. And right now, and for a while, I've just felt this great big disconnection. Like one YouTuber, she was in university. I watched her, because I was so excited to go. Then I started going and at first things were better, right? This is at the time that I think I was still watching her. But then, she graduated. And now, I just feel like we are in such different places in life. And my life fell apart. And of course I'm happy for her, that her life is going great. But mine, it doesn't feel that way, so it hurts, right? Do you get it? Of course, I only wish the best for people. I want them to be happy. It's just hard when I'm so unhappy. Need to take control. I will explain it more in the next point, because honestly, these two are so related. Relating to people's lives, vs. mine.

But yeah, it's just hard. We have very different lives. Our struggles. We don't relate at all. The farther I get into it...and such different places in life...always hard too. Different life choices.

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And the 3rd thing, is very related to the previous. I will never quite understand it, I just know it is the way it is. It is kind-of hard to view other people's lives when yours is not quite so great itself. And it's not about being jealous, or wishing bad or judging, either. It's just this entire different thing: where you yourself are just HURTING.

My life is mine, I just want to make it good. I know that when things hurt, viewing people who look like they're having a great time and living it up, doesn't make me feel better. I just keep boycotting Instagram. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, either. Hopefully after you read this, it make sense. And like the point I've made in the previous blogpost, it's not that I want to be these people or have their lives or be this party girl, but sometimes it hurts when I was told that these are supposed to be the fun-nest years of my life, and sometimes it feels like the worst things that have ever happened to me (and there are). Then again, like I said, I remember: no one said that it would be easy. And of course it's hard! Like I wrote, like I watched in the show, life, things, don't go to plan. I'm still young, my life is just beginning, figuring out what I want to do, what I want from life in general; of course it's not a walk in the park. And another thing is that sometimes I feel and get scared that I'm missing out on some great parts of my life, and like time is just escaping me! Like I look at people and think I'm doing something wrong. But then I remember, I don't actually know what they're going through. There's probably struggles there too. Not everything is a walk in the park and easy. People just have different lives, different struggles, and different problems, because they themselves are different and just interpret things differently. Which is a beautiful thing in itself. We all should just want our own lives and our struggles and deal with it accordingly. No one said it would be easy...