Not right for this world

Earlier, I made a blog post (I've probably made multiple) but how weird it feels for me to be this world. So many things don't line up. So many things don't feel good, and haven't, for a really really long time. I don't feel right for this world. It really feels hard, like what's the point. It really feels questioning why I was made for. Why I'm here. How I'm here. What am I supposed to do? When all this meaning and purpose is being stripped away, but that's only literally a cm of the problems that it feels I'm facing.

The topics in this blog, are things I am sure I have written about separately. But what they really need to be is combined.

• I feel like I'm so self-destructive. Things, that are probably good things, that there are probably no fault in or problem with, I seem to make a problem within them. I seem to not accept them, or make them work, or let them work. Almost like nothing good, can truly be real or mine. That's the way things that felt for a very long time. It feels like I reject anything that seems like it could be good and could be good, not believing that that could be for me. That that could be a possibility to me. That is what life has shown me for long. I'm scared that I'll push the right people away, because I'm scared I have no idea how to handle and deal with something good. How to accept it. It's like I can't trust myself. And I don't know how to earn this trust back. I thought I had it, but it feels like, clearly I don't.

• It's the thing that I described about people reaching out to you with love and you can't even accept it. Because you don't believe it.

• Get stuck in hypotheticals- like everything just feels wrong. Everything that's been happening for like two years has felt wrong, that, as a consequence, it feels like I can't trust anything that has happened. I feel like I am having a hard time trusting people when they get too close. And when those people get too close, I start worrying so much about what they think that it makes me sick. And I don't even like who I become because of this, but I honestly don't know how to get out of it.

• That's the problem. Sometimes, I almost feel like I am just better off alone and when I am with people I ruin things! When I am alone, I don't worry about what other people think. It is like mentally better for me, and for them. Then, when I am with them, I am worrying and probably making their lives so much harder too! Holy destructive. I don't even know why I am this way. It makes no sense. I try so hard to get rid of it and not be this way. It's just hard when...I don't care...but me caring about them is almost like protection and a defense mechanism just like any other (just like denial, too!) Because what they think could deeply impact me. I just need to like myself and get my life together, holy sh*t. It's like the "assuming the worst" thing and lack of trust or accepting something good all combined. I need to not become weaker and dumb when I am with someone, I need to be strong and independent like when I am alone. Strong and not caring. I think I'm just so scared of getting hurt that it's literally ironically hurting me. I am hurting me. How do I stop this terrible toxic cycle?

• It feels like it's so much easier to believe the worst in people because I am just so sick of being disappointed.

• My coping mechanisms of denial just seem to backfiring though. In a way, it has saved me. But what about these other ways? These other ways...where I can't trust myself, I can't believe or accept things, or trust, and can only assume/believe the worst? To not be disappointed? I said that denial should help with some good emotions and yet, I am not seeing the positive effects so much because instead it's like other things (like the worrying) out-win it. But I don't want to let it win!

• Cause honestly, it just feels like I can hangout with people and I can enjoy myself and have time. But what about when I am alone? What do I think about? What do I realize? The way things are?

• It feels like I can barely consume media or the world because I am so not in agreement with the secular world. The values are so different. Things have changed so much. And just by refusing to be consumed and brainwashed by it, I put myself through so much distress. I still have to watch it all. Everything- it's everywhere. All the media, the people around. And it's really not even just this country. It's most of them. I'd have to go to some Asian country to actually be on the same page about the morals. Everyone here- just feels brainwashed and like we are not in agreement at all- just even about what we separately choose to consume. Like some people are just so chronically online that I feel like I don't relate. And it creates this uncomfortable contrast. Weird thinking about how years back- it would have never felt this way because things like the internet didn't exist. Without it, I wouldn't have this blog. That would be sad. But what is this blog? Literally just writing. Not like I need the internet for it. So many yucky things would be eliminated.

• It's in the media, it's in the people surrounding me. Feels like- everything just disgusts me. Like I literally just can't with the world. I'm serious, I don't know how to deal with it. I genuinely don't know how to cope. It's all feeling like it's getting to the point where it's a little too much. How much can I ignore? How much longer can I do this for?

• Stereotypes. I just can't with them. I feel consumed by them. People will just always view me as a woman, with all of its disadvantages. I can't forget all the oppression of the past, or the new ways it is has transformed today into over sexualization on the media and people and everywhere. It's not like that didn't exist before, just somehow got even worse. I know, I can't change the past. But the past is truthfully still imminent, impactful, and the present is still a byproduct of the past. And, though things have changed, others are not that different. Honestly, they are pretty much the same, just with different faces, masks, shapes, and forms. The world is just so secular, non religious, with so much morality just gone and it is so disgusting to see it everywhere. I just can't. How can I just ignore this? I don't know, you can't really ignore something that directly affects you.

• I try to ignore and tell myself I can be the way I want to be, but it's hard when the rest of the world is just like this and I'm forced to watch. Not sure how to battle it.

• I understand there's things I can't change. Things that are outside of my control. "It's just the world. It's just how it is." These things I can't change, and so it's smart to not let them affect me and get to me, right? But what I'm saying is that this doesn't feel possible. Especially things that directly affect you, are always going to make you upset. They have that power. How could you possibly take it away? Sure, I know what I want, and the way I want to live life. I can try to ignore it....to an extent. And I do, try my best at it. It doesn't change the previous point.

• And it's not just easy. It's all mixed up. Maybe that even makes it worse. It's just so difficult. The things you love...mixed in with the horrible things. How to get to them, how to push through?

• And it's like, everyone else, literally every person besides me, can live in this, can play the game, and I just can't do it anymore. So again, what is wrong? Because they're just used to it. They live in it. And somehow I am not used to it, and also somehow I can't. Because I refuse to be used to it, refuse to accept it. Things are not ok. But you can still choose who you want to be?

• And even if you think about stereotypes regarding girls in STEM, that is affecting me too, with being kicked out.