Place not for me

We are so close to the end of the semester.

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but I feel like as time goes on I only feel worse.

I just keep feeling so pointless and out of place.

There have been some new developments, and remember when I said that things can’t feel worse than they do right now? I just don’t know how it keeps happening! I am now dropping mechanics of materials, and while that does make me sad and is a big part of the new sadness that I am mentioning right now that is contributing, I guess it just feels like it doesn’t matter anymore.

When thinking about the transfer, I never technically needed mechanics, for the major there. I still wanted to do it, but I went into it knowing I don’t technically need it, just a matter of enjoying the subject. I enjoy the subjects, though it is hard and making myself suffer, and I knew that here was a good place and the only way to do it.

I won’t try to make too many excuses for myself, but I feel like knowing that I didn’t need it, which ultimately was due to being rejected from the college of engineering, made me feel very sad and less motivated to really try hard in the course. I guess I felt like I was there for the vibes, but that is a hard course, and hard work probably really does need to be put in to succeed. Like, for instance, in statics, I went to drop-in tutoring every Wednesday and Thursday for the full time (2 1/2hrs, so it took up a HUGE chunk of my time), and that still was barely enough. Since my friend dropped it, I didn’t really feel like going to drop-in, even though I know it would’ve benefitted me. I do feel like I would’ve been much more motivated to try a lot harder if I was accepted into the college of engineering. But since I know it didn’t really matter, it was hard to do much more.

The more we go on, the more the idea that I shouldn’t be here is solidified. And that I won’t be: like, everyone talking about and signing up for classes, and of course, it is no surprise that I didn’t even get an email in order to sign up.

Talking about next year, and all the plans, just makes me think about how I won’t be here. All these things will happen, without me.

Also, it might be looking like finding a replacement for the apartment. Of course that decreases stress, but also solidifies the same idea.

The more we go on, also, I start feeling like this is not the place for me. Like it is probably good that I’m leaving.

This place feels intoxicating to me in so many ways. Like I’m stuck in a toxic cycle. So many things I’m forced to endure that might me sad, angry, and make it really hard to cope. And personal problems. I know there’s certain things I won’t miss, and that it actuallly would be very good for me to get away from. In a way, the idea seems silly, and in another way, that feels like good enough reason by itself for the need for me to leave.

I have grown a lot from everything that has occurred to me here. But is hard to feel like it wasn’t all extremely pointless. Like what was the point? It just makes me mad. I know the education is better here. And when I think about it, I probably try so hard to convince myself that I would’ve acted differently. But would I? Would I? If I’m being honest with myself.

I’m just hoping that all this, makes it easier for me to leave. If I rationalize all the ways in which it is actually really good, and a logical good choice that doesn’t have to be all bad. That’s what I want to believe.

Despite the friends I made, and despite this being a good school, I never really liked it, did I? I was never really happy here. I was, for the longest time, battling with the idea of if I had not come and chosen someplace else. I remember even a year ago, spring semester, I was thinking about it. First semester and winter break I was definitely thinking about.

But somewhere there, second semester, I did want to stay.

It did feel like, as soon as I accepted that it was a better school, the choice was ripped away against from me against my will/choice/preference. But what can I say? That sounds like life to me.

I’m trying really hard to view it as a good thing. Even if I am really sad, and struggling.

I’ve been thinking about move-out this year. About what that will be like. It felt hard last year, but for very different reasons.

I feel like it will be very hard and very sad this year. Like I said, the end is bittersweet. It will feel like exactly that, like the end, of so many things.

I just know that things will never be the same. And it’s the beginning of such difference, such imparallelism. New beginining, full of unknowns. It’s hard for me to envision just how much will be different, but I know it will be. It’s just impossible right now to even know.