Still don't feel like i belong?!

STILL don't feel like i know if i'm in the right place?

-in this sense, I'm talking about university right now (I know I could be talking about a lot of different things, as I have in previous blog posts, but I've already talked about them, have nothing new to say or reflect on, and this isn't about them anyway).

YEAR 1 IS OVER

Don't ask me how- I truly don't get it. It's bizarre. Sure I understand how second semester flew...it was so busy...but even so started to slow down towards the end...even so...I can't believe it...!

Even though it may seem like time sometimes doesn't fly, in the big picture, time always flies. It flies when you're having fun. It flies when you're busy. It flies when you're miserable and suffering. It flies when you feel like it's dragging and slow.

*something to keep in mind. The implications here are to always enjoy your life, and know that time is flying. Nothing miserable will stay for long.

Despite all of this time-flying, I had this miserable realization/shock to the system on the last day of classes, May 1st...I still don't feel like I belong? And really what I mean by that is that I still don't know (if I feel like) I'm in the right place. The right university for me.

I never wanted to come to this one specifically, and I can't say that's changed. And I don't KNOW what's wrong with me. Because truly I have been through this so many times. Logically, emotionally, using my own logic and emotions, it makes sense for me to be here. I was the one who chose universities to apply to, who sorted and chose where to not apply to, and out of all the places that I applied, this was the best option. In so many different ways.

1. Academically, it was the best school. And I have high aspirations, med school, so it only made senes for me to choose it.

2. If I couldn't be in a state I wanted to be in, it would have made me sadder to go to a different state. A reminder of where I am not. So I decided to just stay in Wisconsin.

   I talk about this in this blog post:

My logic when choosing college states

But now I'm like FIGHTING for my life to stay here, through progression. Why am I fighting so hard when I feel so unease at if I even want to be here myself? Clearly this place doesn't want me. And perhaps this is all just a part of my path and...I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

It was never hard to adjust here either. Is that a good sign, or a bad sign? It was weird, sure, but really not hard, and really fast.

And it was never about the friends. I have great people here who I love. But an uncanny feeling on a personal level like I'm in the wrong place...

It's sad I feel this way. It truly is. And yet it just is. An essence.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't like it, it's sad, and I feel ungrateful. And all logic is against it. Not sure what's wrong with me.

I can't believe it's been a year...since high school, graduation, senior ball? How? So much has happened...

Do I hate it here? Or will my love be enough to ~overcome~