The reason why it hurts/affects so bad

Dear blog,

I could've sworn I wrote about this, but I swear I looked at my blog multiple times, so many times, and still I could not find it. So I guess I was wrong.

But here I am...going to write about it now.

It's funny, I keep switching positions. From the couch on the living room, to the kitchen table.

Trying to take control, of all this quiet, and of all this lone-time.

I was not taking advantage enough, I realized. I was listening to music with my airpods (I get weird about not wanting to bother people with my music/music taste especially if they hate it and that hurts because I love my music ANYWAY) when I realized that I didn't need to do that. There is no one here to be bothered by me or my music, so now I am letting it play out loud! Not going to get this again in probably years. That's how rare it is.

Obviously when I say "I could've sworn I've written about this." Yes, I have. I've written about this topic many times.

I think I deleted it off my list as well, for that reason. But the thing is, I have some new things to say. And I don't think I've written about them in this exact format anyway.

At this point though, guys, I have like 423 blog posts. If I slightly repeat myself that is not surprising.

Obviously I write about things more than once. Something big, like this. But I still definitely like to think, that each blogpost is different, what I say is different. I don't exactly just repeat myself. That's what I think at least.

Had a conversation with someone recently, and they told me I shouldn't let things affect me so much. Like what's happening right now.

But the thing is, that I don't know if it is understood, is that there's no way for it not to be.

Implications. Limitations.

These are the words I would hear over and over again in AP Seminar.

These are the words (well only the first one actually anyway) that it is important to understand when understanding why I was hurt in the aggressive way that I was hurt.

It is BECAUSE of the importance I placed on education.

The implication is, if that was my biggest goal, and all I had worked for and hoped, IF it were to fall apart, AND it did, that...now that...would be really bad (it is).

And so people tell me, "just don't care so much. you need to shift your focus. you need to focus on other things."

Again, I feel like there is misunderstanding there. Sure, sometimes, I may feel like my priorities are out of order. Like I don't always focus on what needs to be focused on. What is of great importance.

At the same time, aren't my priorities good, well? Don't mothers just wish that their daughters were this school, education, career, oriented? That they were hardworking, and un-falteringly determined? Didn't get me that far, though... It's not like anything worked, or paid off...

But like sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve this, because I feel like I just tried hard to be the best possible person I could be.

All I ever seem to do to feel, is like I try. I try so hard...

Also, another thing that I don't feel like is not/misunderstood: what do you think it feels like to have your purpose and meaning ripped away from you? You're left a shell. With nothing. Again, remember the implication thing. That much importance, means BAD if it is stripped away.

I know I have to accept it. I know. Things just have to look different, happen a different way. And hopefully get better. Hopefully, someday I'll understand this all.

Anyway hope you enjoyed that little informal Q&A session.

This is all I had, and my way of feeling like I belong, what I was made for, my meaning and purpose in this world. How I can contribute. How I can show God He made someone worthwhile.