What is wrong with me?

Quoting Moana here,

But real.

I'm also so serious.

Before I talk about the general issues, let's just discuss this spring break. Historically, I feel like every spring break is so mentally hard for me. I don't know what it is, but it's like every spring break, my mental health is just so bad, and it feels like I am literally "breaking" and need to pull myself together. But again, I don't know what is wrong with me.

I was thinking about this earlier in the car when I was driving. Mental health, is such a confusing topic to begin with. But how do people even define something as "a bad mental health day" or "having bad mental health." But not just having "bad mental health." That's too general. I'm talking specifically about one day or one time period.

It must be as different for everyone as there are different people in the world, right? Everyone is dealing with completely different things.

Not even just that. Because people are different, they interpret different things and different problems as problems. But I am starting to feel like I am wrong in how I interpret.

Sometimes it is hard to imagine that anyone else is struggling as bad as I am. I know there are people who are doing worse. But I don't mean physically. That is not what I am focusing on. I mean people, maybe, control for some variables (like overall their health is fine and maybe they're the same age and probably like the same class like not too poor or something) how are they doing? It feels like for years, I've waited to feel good and it seems like it never really comes. Or maybe, I do start feeling better, but it feels like I always regress or then, just the next new thing happens.

Cause that's the thing. I look around at people my age or around my age (again, confounding variables) and it just seems like everyone is doing fine. Just so much better. And again, it really makes me wonder...what is wrong with me? Why have I felt this way, and why does it seem like I do not get better?

They are comfortable with who they are.

How the heck is it that I am still not? That I still dislike myself, that I still can't get myself to feel decent, and then it's like this self-destructive path. If I can't even feel good about myself, how can I ever be happy?

Why is it so difficult for myself to like myself?

The thing is I am trying. So hard. It just feels like I am ALWAYS trying and fighting.

Feels like I don't want to face this anymore.

That's what makes me think there is something wrong. But it's not like a diagnosis or like I want some pills or something. I just want to understand. And I just want to feel better. And I don't want to keep going forward just to keep going back, because I am so sick of that. It feels like life just keeps going on, I should be getting better. There's no way these problems have stayed for this long in my life, but it's looking like they have. I try so hard to persist and get better, but how is it that I'm always fighting. When will I finally reach a breakthrough. I know I am still young, I have a lot to go through. But I can't help thinking that these young years are supposed to be the fun years. So many times I hear that around me.

I feel like people get concerned. And I don't want them to be. I feel like inevitably, people will start noticing it and themselves ask what is wrong with me. But I don't know myself. So can I really blame them?

Except, I look around, at the people surrounding me, who are also young. And they seem to be doing good. They seem to be having fun. Am I missing out on my entire life? It feels like I study, and don't even get results. Whereas they just have fun, and don't really study much, but yet everything works out. So then it just feels like I'm missing out on everything, but even the things I try at, I'm still bad at. So what am I even doing? What is wrong with me?What even is the point?

Even though I know, the type of people they are... I just am not. And it's like I want to be them. It's not a comparison of lives. I still choose mine, and I'd still make that choice. But why does it feel hard. Why do I make it this way. Why am I this way. But I cannot change. But it's just this question of what is wrong...why I am feeling this way. Everything feels so unfortunate. The amount of times I have heard my life described in that word should be disgusting.

Spring break is coming to an end, and I feel really sad honestly. I don't want to go back to Madison. I just want the semester to be over.

Yesterday when I came home, I genuinely just felt so sad, I again did not know what was wrong. It felt like I had no reason to particularly feel that way. Like, things were ok. But I had a lot I needed to do, yet I felt no motivation whatsoever for doing them. Just felt like I wanted to scream, but like there was no good way to.

Eventually, I forced myself to do things. I signed up for orientation for Montana. I looked at emails I had been ignoring. I sent a transcript to Montana so that I can finally get my financial offer. Overall, things that have been on my to-do list, and that I definitely needed to get done over this spring break.

It would've been embarrassing and down-right not okay if I did not accomplish those tasks if I had time (like what a spring...what a break in general gives). I knew those things had to get done. And it's especially smart and would've been done because I know when I'm in Madison...I'll have less time.

Somehow it feels like I never have time no matter what. I truly do wonder what summer will feel like. Obviously I've been looking forward to summer this year. I've wanted these two semesters to be over so bad. I'm a little concerned that how I feel will not be remedied just by weather now. What if all this is just so irreversible? Maybe it really is like I said, downhill.

Still I cannot think that actually having time, not worrying about school all the time, and weather...it just has to be good. Has to be better. I have got to get better, because I will have time to focus not on school, but just on mental health and on feeling good. Even if this means what people would consider "boring" days at home- I think it might exactly what I need to feel whatsoever good/better. Not that there aren't fun things planned for the summer either (though a lot of them are just ideas and not actually planned).

Then, I started doing biology homework, but quickly realized I needed to call with my dad about chemistry first, instead.

This morning, I finished biology homework, and it took like 4-5 hours.

What makes me upset, as you know, is when things like this (homework) start cutting in what STILL should be my spring break. How is it supposed to be a break?

Though I can't complain too much, because I do understand. In order to learn this week, I have to do stuff ahead of time and come prepared. I can't complain too much. It just...did take long. And obviously I have had the rest of the spring break though unsurprisingly, still not a great deal of time. I have only really been home since yesterday, for the end of the spring break. And for like one day at the beginning, but that was just full with doing things I never have time for in Madison.

Maybe I am not cutting myself enough slack. These things that I have been going through, really have been hard. Especially for me. Especially for someone, who placed so much great importance on succeeding in education, and then horribly miserably failed. Especially someone, who tries so hard to like themselves (and also miserably fails at that). Someone who has said, they believe that is the only path to happiness anyway. These things have great implications. And self image issues are hard.

Here's what I think an issue was. I think I would have it all figured out. But who said that? Who said that I would, at 20? No one said it would be easy, so why I am expecting to do everything flawlessly?

There are also plenty of things I don't even write about. Non-blog topics. Or things that I don't fully explain, that might be left in a confusing way. Manipulating the art of...art, to my advantage. Things have been hard. All together, it has been an incredulous buildup. A lot of the hardest things I have ever had to face in life. And they are all either happening or resurfacing, to all be there at the same time! It's horrible. I don't know if this has ever happened before like this. A lot of things that years ago, I definitely did not envision myself to be dealing with for so incredibly long. So it's hard to feel like I have made it far and deserve slack, but only in the sense that I know these things are hard, and it has been a lot of them.

I hope things will get better. I hope the next time in a while that I write something, I have some truly good news for you. Because I really need that.